These are my friends

I haven't blogged in forever, but this is important, and I needed to say something.

I need you to pray for my friends Matt & Grace.

Let me tell you about Matt.  I've know Matt since we were in Jr High together.  We probably knew each other prior to that, but I would say that's when our friendship first started.  You see, Matt's two years older than me, but that never seemed to bother him.  As Jr Highers, we met at church, and found we had a lot of similar interests.  He's one of the kindest, loving, and most loyal people I know.  And even from an early age, he has loved God with all his heart.

Here's a picture of us in Jr High, That's me with my bowl haircut raising my hand like I can't sit still (I can't), and Matt's in the yellow sweater on the right.

I remember spending the weekend at his house, where his dad took us to the batting cages. We both couldn't hit worth squat, but laughed the whole time.  

We both loved music, and in High School joined our church choir, "Vision".  In Vision, we met Grace.  She was a girl who also loved music, and played the piano for many of our songs that we sang.  I remember talking to her after a concert about how I never could play the piano like her, and she commented that it was easier than memorizing the words and singing.

Matt and I remained close friends and as 2000 was drawing to a close, we decided to attend a Christian Conference in Urbana together.  Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship holds a mission conference every three years for young adults and college students and we wanted to be there!  We went and had a wonderful time.  As we got to the airport to come home, we saw many of our friends we met throughout the week also trying to go through the long process of security checks and waiting at gates.  We had a few hours to kill at the gate, so having been sick for most of the week, I sat down to rest.  But Matt saw Grace and went over to chat with her.  As I sat in misery, my friend went to talk to this girl!  LOL.  When he came back in time for us to board our plane, I gave him a hard time and laughed with him.  

A few short months later, I was not surprised to hear they had started going on dates.  I still remember, they had this crazy notion that they would never go to the same restaurant twice while dating.  I asked him, "What if you find a place you really LOVE!?!?!?" and he just replied that they wanted to be adventurous.  

When I got the call to be Matt's best man at their wedding, I was both honored and blessed.  I was so happy for the both of them.  They really were perfect for each other.  They both loved God so much and were both geeky/nerdy in their own wonderful way.

I remember having a meal with Matt, where he told me they had been trying to have kids and it wasn't going as well as they hoped, and how Grace wanted to look into adoption.  I listened to him talk about what the process would be and how long it would take.  We talked about how if they were going to adopt, it would not be from China.  How they wanted to be intentional with the agency they went with.  And how they were probably going to get siblings, since the need to keep families together was important to them.

Before I knew it, Matt was calling me again to tell me he and Grace were going to go meet the kids they were going to adopt.  Matt was nervous, but excited.  How do you prepare for meeting (possibly) your kids for the first time?  I was not going to be able to meet up with him before his trip, but he would be back soon and we should get dinner when he gets back.

When we did meet, Matt had a glow about him.  He spoke of meeting a brother and sister, and how Grace had stayed behind to be with them throughout the process.  (He needed to come back to continue working, as the adoption process would take too long for him to take that long of a leave of absence).  He was happy for the time to come back, because he needed to prepare a room for them, and I was reminded of the wonderful parallel of our God says he is preparing a room for us.  He told me of watching his soon-to-be son while he was having lunch.  We talked for hours about what it was like to suddenly become a father.

Finally, Matt was able to return and bring his family back home.  I got to meet his wonderful kids, and even snapped this picture of Matt and his son at their house after dinner.

Early last year, tragedy struck and their daughter passed away.  She had been dealing with an eating disorder, and the family was helping her with it.  It is still unknown if this had anything to do with it, but we do know that she was going through a time where she had refused to eat.  You can read about the details here and here

I won't go into the court case too much, since so much has already been said about it, except to say, I am begging you for your prayers for my friends.  

Thanks.

40x40 List

I don't do much blogging anymore, but I really enjoy writing (for fun). And now that I'm done with school, I'm hoping to pick some of it up again. I get inspired when Alyssa writes about her life and her thoughts. Not that I'm trying to copy her or anything, I just want to reflect in a safe space from time to time.

A little while ago, Alyssa created a 30 by 30 list. 30 things she wanted to do before she turned 30. What a great idea. Put down some bigger goals you can work towards. And I fell in love with the idea.

Alyssa has been bugging me to create my own 40 by 40 list… and I have been reluctant.  Mostly because once I put it down on paper, it will be something I have to strive for… but you know the saying, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”  So… here goes.

1. Become a dad
2. Run a ½ marathon
1. I actually JUST completed this, but when I started this list, I still hadn't finished it.
3. Travel to Australia
1. I’ve always wanted to go here.  It’s so far, but seems so cool!
4. Become a homeowner
5. Take a cooking class series
1. I thought it would be fun to take a set of classes on something in particular
6. Teach a cooking classes series
1. Hey, I’m pretty good at cooking.  It might be fun to teach it too.  I’m thinking nothing official, but with friends and family?  Maybe
7. Enter an eating competition of some kind (pie, hot dogs… whatever)
1. OMG, this just seems fun!!!
8. Go Kayaking in the ocean
1. I took a kayaking class in high school (I know... shut up), but we never did anything outside of kayaking in our school pool...  It would be fun to do it in the ocean.
9. Take a trip to Washington DC
1. I’ve never been to our nation’s capital, and I would like to see all the monuments and all the museums
10. Buy season passes to Disneyland (again)
1. I love Disneyland.  It’d be fun to get an annual pass again.
11. Lose enough weight that my stomach doesn’t jiggle when I brush my teeth
1. Hahahaha, honestly, I just wanna get under 200, but this is (from Kevin James) a fun way of saying it.
12. Donate 40 pints of blood (5 gallons)
1. I’ve just hit my 1 gallon mark this year, and don’t think it will be too hard to get my way to 5 gallons by the time I’m 40.
13. Learn to make sushi.
1. How to cut the fish, how to cook the rice, how to roll the rolls... I wanna know it all.
14. Go to the Opera with my wife (and get SUPER dressed up!)
1. A little bit of culture hasn’t ever hurt anyone.  And getting dressed up is ALWAYS fun.
15. Host a party where I have cooked EVERYTHING (at my house)
1. This is also part of the “homeowner” point, but I’d love to cook all the appetizers and entrees and everything.
16. Adopt a dog
1. Love dogs.  I’d love to adopt one (or rescue one!)
17. Take an “all inclusive” vacation (either on a beach or on a cruise!)
1. This is me, being lazy...  I want to pay someone (or some company) to pamper me for a designated amount of time...
18. Attend the Sundance Film Festival (or Canne, but I doubt that will be as easy)
1. This might be a fun way to experience culture and sounds fun.  Hopefully it won’t be too pretentious.  
19. Find a church I call “home”
20. Participate in a multi-day relay race
1. When we went to Zion, there was this relay race going on, and it was over 2 days, and went some 138 miles!!  I just looked it up, 12 runners, running 3-8 miles at a time, for 37 legs... it’s totally doable, I just need 11 more people who would be interested in this!
21. Finish picking pictures for my wedding album
22. Learn to swing dance
23. Learn to salsa
24. Learn to tango
25. Experience Christmas in New York
1. I’m still debating if this includes New Years in Times Square... probably not, but Christmastime in New York sounds amazing
26. Get a Tattoo
1. I’ve known what I want for awhile... just have to step up and do it.
27. Attend a Broadway play in New York with my wife
28. Volunteer somewhere I believe in for an extended amount of time.
1. I’m gonna say at least a year here.
29. Start a blog about food/cooking
1. Not something I would do on a daily basis... but maybe weekly?
30. Visit 3 of the 7 wonders of the world with my wife.
1. I’ve been to the Great Wall, she’s been to the Great Wall & the Pyramids... time to do some of them together.
31. Travel the United States by train.
32. Travel to a foreign country to attend a festival
1. Germany for Oktoberfest, Rio for Carnival, Anywhere for the Olympics...
33. Go to the Grand Canyon
34. Spend a night in one of those cabin/huts that sit over the water.
35. Host a monthly game/poker night (for at least 3 months)
36. Take a Ceramics Class
37. Experience a “White Christmas”
38. Create and serve a signature dish
39. Finish a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle
40. Put together a recipe book, and give it to someone who needs it.

13.1..., cause I'm only 1/2 crazy

About a year ago, I turned to Alyssa and said to her, "I want to run a 1/2 marathon next year."  Like many of the crazy things I say, Alyssa just nodded and said, "Whatever you want babe."  And that comment went to the wayside alongside comments like, "I think I want to open a restaurant." or "I wish I was close friends with Kevin Smith."

But in February of this year, I began to look at running more seriously.  I picked up an app that would train me to do a 5k (couch to 5k program).  And on May 19th, I began this journey towards my 1/2 marathon.  I ran the Palos Verdes 5k, and hated every minute of it.  I wasn't ready for the hills, I started out too quickly, but I finished.  And I finished well.  Now, I'm not the fastest of runners (in fact some people walk faster than me).  But, I never let that stop me.  I do what I can, and don't compete with anyone but myself.

A month and a half later, I ran a long beach 10k.  Again, I learned a lot about how to run a race (the hard way).  I didn't get any body glide, and about a mile into the race, I was chaffing pretty hard.  I wore a cotton shirt, and it got SUPER hot, SUPER quick.  But, again, I finished and I was excited that not only did I finish, but I got way under the time I was expecting.  Having finished a 5k and a 10k, I started setting my sights on the 1/2 marathon.

Now, for those of you who don't know, the measurements basically break down to 5k=3.1 miles, 10k= 6.2 miles, and 1/2 marathon is 13.1 miles (and duh, a full marathon is 26.2 miles).  So basically, I was doubling my distance each time I went out.  This isn't too bad, since a lot of books and experts say that while you train you can increase your distance by 10% every week.  So, by the time I was running 6.2 miles, I could  get to 6.8 miles the following week, and so on.  This theory is all good and fine as long as... you don't hurt yourself.

But, inevitably, my knee gave out.  I didn't know how much an injury could set back training.  I couldn't do my long runs, my short runs were junk... and I was really defeated.  But, Jeremy & Alyssa kept hounding me to cross train, to push myself, and to get out there so I wouldn't fall on my face.  And it helped!

This morning I woke up at 5am, and got out to Long Beach.  The longest I had run up until this morning was 7.5 miles.  Which, considering I was trying for 13.1, this was a HUGE jump.  So, I began my run slow.  Very Slow...  And, I just kept going, and going, and going....  I got to mile 6, and Alyssa and my mom were cheering me on.  So, I kept going.  I ran through downtown Long Beach, and I kept going.  And we ran along the beach... and my legs started hitting the wall.

Now, so many people describe the wall as a place where your mind, body, and everything gives out.  My shoulders hurt, I couldn't feel my hands, and my legs were crying out in pain.  And at 9 miles, I started walking.  Jeremy kept telling me to keep going, and to walk faster.  He encouraged me to run if I could.  I told him I couldn't.  I was upset at myself, mad at my stupid knee, and couldn't catch my breath.  Around mile 10, Jeremy pulled me to the side and told me to stretch, and catch my breath.  I did so, and we began walking again.  He started telling me to run.  I gave him every excuse in the book.  And he did not let me walk.  I was crying.  He didn't budge.  And so I ran.  I ran like a crazy person.  Because my body hurt so much, my form was all shot.  My arms flailed, my leg dragged, and I was still gasping in pain.  But I ran.

A mile later, with blood getting pushed around, my form started straightening out, and Jeremy kept telling me how good I was doing.  And I ran.  I did a mile, and it took forever.  But only 2.1 miles left...  I ran 1/2 a mile, and I wanted to give up.  How did I just go 1.5 miles?  And Jeremy kept pushing.  "You can do this."  "I can't feel my fingers and hands." "You don't need those to run.  Keep going!"  And I kept going.  A mile away, he started telling me "Almost there!!!"  But my legs felt like falling off.  And I kept going.  Now, I couldn't feel my face, and I was sure I was going to throw up.  But I kept running.  And Jeremy kept pushing.  And I could now see the finish.  My legs felt like falling off, my arms felt like jelly, my shoulders hurt, my stomach hurt....

...
...

And, I saw Alyssa.  The pain momentarily left, and I ran the last 100 yards with a smile on my face.  And I finished.

So, tonight...  I sit here.  My legs still hurt.  My shoulders are sore.  I'm stumbling around like a drunk frat guy.  But I finished.

And I couldn't be more grateful for my wife, my brother, and everyone who supported me in this journey.

Thank you all.  And, my last thought.  If I can do this, you can do this!!

Joyful Song

With the Olympic fever "sweeping" the country yet again, I am reminded of my grandparents.  You see, my grandpa was one of the athletes that walked around the track and stood proud for his country in the 1968 Mexico Olympics.  He was the Taiwan shooting coach, and was able to participate in this amazing tradition.  No, they didn't win any medals, but my grandpa proudly talked about his team and couldn't be happer just to participate in such a prestigious world event.

My grandma at the time was one of the few women doctors in all of Asia.  She helped found clinics providing health care for those in need.  She healed the sick, helped the poor, and loved her community as her family.

My grandparents were kinda a big deal. But, by the time I was born, my grandparents had already walked away from that life to start another chapter.  Living in America, and taking care of their grandkids.

My earliest memories of my grandparents include my grandpa telling everyone off the street that I was his grandson, and watching my grandma cooking snacks in the kitchen for me and my brother.  I can still hear her humming as she worked her magic.  

I will never forget these two images of my grandparents, and even today when I think of them, this is what I see in my mind's eye.

Years later, both my grandparents were diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.  It's hard for me to think about this part of their lives.  Thinking of my grandparents as a frail shadow of their former selves is difficult for me.  This disease took away my grandparents' memories.  It took away their ability to reason, identify family, or know who they were.

This disease is so widespread now, everyone I know has either lost someone to it, or knows someone afflicted with it.  It is the sixth leading cause of death in the US today.  And research towards ending it has to happen.  The sooner the better!

That's why I walk.  For the past couple of years, Alyssa and I have been creating teams, and walking to make a difference.  And I'm inviting you to join us.  

One of the reasons we picked our team name, "Joyful Song" is because that is something that helps remind me of my grandma.  She always had a joyful song to sing.

Help us by walking - Join our team & walk with us.  Tell your story and help us raise funds towards ending this disease.

Help us by donating - Last year, our team of 7 raised over $1000 towards Alzheimer's research.  This year, our goal is $2000.  Help us by giving.  Every dollar helps!

Help us by spreading the word - If you can't help us walk and can't help donate, you can help spread the word about us by sharing our story to your friends and seeing if they can do either.  

Click on the link below to go to my fundraising page:

http://act.alz.org/site/TR/Walk/CA-OrangeCounty?px=6677446&pg=personal&fr_id=1581

Thanks again for all the help and support.  We couldn't do this without your love.  

Jonathan

Running

So, as of tomorrow, I will have been running 3x a week for a month.  I know for a lot of you out there, that's not a big deal, as you run all the time, but honestly, it's a huge deal for me.  I'm not someone who you would call "athletic" or into anything physical.  There have been seasons where people around me could convince me to go work out with them, but when they weren't around I really didn't ever go by myself.  So... why running?

I've always enjoyed a good run.  I can remember in high school, going out for a midnight run down the dark streets where I lived.  I enjoyed the way it cleared my head and gave me room to think.  It's a simple act, where I'm not competing with anyone.  I'm not comparing myself to someone faster, more athletic, or more coordinated.  It's just me and the road.  So, last year, after I got married I started to think about my health a bit more.  I wanted to do something for me.  And my new year's resolution was to run a 1/2 marathon... by the end of the year.  Now, I've told a lot of people that, and the simple response is, "Well, that's totally doable.  You really only NEED a few months to train up to that"  But in reality, I had my doubts.  Reality is like a bucket of cold water that hits you in the face.  Reality is the simple truth that when I crossed the street, and had to walk fast... I was out of breath.  So running 13+ miles... was gonna be a struggle.

So, obviously right after the new year... I sat on the couch.  I told myself that I was busy.  I had other things to do.  I had TV shows to watch; I had food to cook; I was tired from the day's work; I ate too much; I was too hungry... Basically, I had every excuse under the sun.  So on March 13th, I finally got over my excuses and walked out the door for the first time.  Armed with my iPhone, headphones, and an app (couch to 5k), I began to run.  That first day, I had to run for 1 minute, then walk for 1.5 minutes; 8 times.  Not too bad right? Wrong.  After my first 1 minute run, I was out of breath.  My sides hurt like someone was poking them with a hot spear.  My feet felt like they were about to fall off.  My legs simply revolted and didn't want to move.  But, I got to walk for a whole 90 seconds before the 2nd, 3rd and ultimately 8th run came.  As I walked home, I felt good about running again, but my body was screaming at me.  The next day was worse.  I couldn't move.  Every joint, muscle, and bone had gone stiff.  To the point my shoulders were sore (how shoulders get sore by running, I don't know).  But two days later, I managed to get out the door and run again.  and again.  and again.

With each passing run, the program took the level up just a little.  I ran a bit further.  I walked a bit less.  And it felt easier and easier.  I'm still huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf, but it's manageable now.  And today, I finished two 8 minute runs with a 5 minute walk in between.  I had a pace of 15 minutes/mile, and felt good afterwards.  For the most part, my legs still get a bit sore the next day, but by my next run I'm ready for it.  Many of you have encouraged me as I post about my runs on FB or Twitter.  And for that I couldn't be more grateful.  I feel better about myself and find myself eating better so I can have a better run.  On Saturday, I attempt (and will succeed) my first 20 minute run (no walking).  I'm excited and scared and excited.  I know I can do it, I just have to push through the pain and go for it.  As for the 1/2 marathon.  I've decided to go for it in October.  I also have a 5k scheduled for mid-May, and a 10k at the end of June.  

The best part about this is I've started to have fun with it.  I'm finding myself looking forward to Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturdays.  I try to get off work early to I can get to the track early.  And each day as I complete a more difficult goal, I look ahead to see what my next run will be.

If you have been following my runs on facebook and commenting on them, thanks for the encouragement.  If you want to join me in my runs, I encourage it!  It's fun (for the most part) and TRUST ME, I don't go too fast.  Come along & run with me!

----------------------------------

Some things I have learned while running.

• Pace is everything, too quick of a pace early on can kill the later half of a run.
• Running with others is great fun, but to work on speed, a few solo runs are important
• For me, music is really important.  A great playlist goes a LONG way (mixing in Joe Esposito's "You're the Best" has gotten me to the end of MANY runs)
• 80's soundtrack music is quite possibly the most inspiring music in the world. (once again, for me!  hahaha)
• If I start saying to myself at 1 minute that I'm tired, it's gonna be a long run.
• In 1 month, I've managed to run 8x longer than when I first started!!!  
• When you're tired, don't ever stop, just slow down.  There's a Chinese saying, "Don't be afraid of slowing, be afraid of standing"  This is a saying about life, but it's just as applicable here.
• Stan Bush - "Dare"

Thoughts on the Occupy LA movement

I work in downtown.  I work a block and a half away from city hall, which means the Occupy LA movement is literally down the street.  Being the closest (or what I assume is the closest) free Wi-Fi to this Occupy, we get a LOT of people coming into our store (Starbucks) on a daily basis.

At first, it was kinda fun to see all these new faces.  Then, those faces became familiar... and, to be honest, annoying.  But, that's jumping ahead... Let me back up a bit.

See, I want to agree with everything the OLA stands for.  I want what they want.  I want a discussion to be put on the table, and I want people to start trying to figure out a new way for things to happen in our society.  About a year ago, I lost my job... It took me over 3 months to find a new one, and in that time I was desperately scrounging for money.  I was getting married in 6 months, and freaking out that my wedding, marriage, and eventual future was going down the drain.  Luckily, God blessed me with a loving fiancee (now wife!) and supportive friends & family.  So, when I got the call to become a Starbucks barista (making MUCH less than I was before) I jumped at the chance to get working again.  It's been about 10 months since I started working for the mermaid, and truth be told I wake up each morning thanking God for the blessing this job has been.  (Sometimes I thank God in a very VERY tired voice, but it's still a blessing)

So, here's what my daily schedule looks like... I get up at 3am EVERY day, so I can shower and get ready to go to work at 4am.  In an effort to let my wife sleep, I grab the clothes I laid out the night before to get dressed in the dark (which I'm real good at!).  I say bye to my wife (who I silently hope I don't wake up, so she can sleep a few more hours until she has to get up for work herself), and slip out the door.  There's nobody on the road at 3:30am, which means about 1/4 of the time CalTrans has decided to close the freeway into work to do construction.  I get myself into work at 4am and usually stay for a 5-7 hour shift.  This usually means I take my lunch around 6:30am (lunch!  HA!), but I'm off around 10ish... I head home, but usually stop along the way to run errands for our family (shopping, bank, car repairs... whatnot).  I try to get a small nap in, but that's usually hard to do between schoolwork, applying for more jobs, and various other chores.  Around 5pm, I start making dinner, and about 5:30-6pm Alyssa comes home and we eat dinner together.  I can sometimes stay up a few more hours to watch some TV with her (or just catch up on our days), and then I have to pass back out to re-set for the next day.

So, when I hear about a movement that wants to equalize wages or create more jobs or take down banks that are sucking up all the money... I want to agree so bad.  But, in reality, I was beginning to get bitter with this movement.

Throughout history, people have used movements like this to be an excuse for rebellion.  Most of the time, these people are ignorant to the root causes and ignorant to the true intention of why they should be there.  I am not speaking of those people who are really trying to help, really trying to make change, and really trying to talk to the government, corporations, and power players.  I am talking about the drugged out slackers that don't want to be a productive part of ANY society.  And I might sound harsh here, but it's the truth... that's what they are.

For the past 2 weeks, these dregs have been coming into our store and stealing everything from coffee to mugs, from condiments to umbrellas.  And it makes me mad.  I want to blame the Occupy movement because they are the reason they are here, but that's not fair.  And every day, it gets harder to be civil with these people.  The other day, one person (while waiting in line) was talking to his friend about how corporations like Starbucks sucks the soul out of its employees.  He said, "...just look at their eyes, you can see that everyone that works here is dead inside."  Umm, hey buddy... Starbucks provided me a job when nobody else would.  Starbucks is now one of the leading corporations seeking to CREATE jobs in the USA.  And... if I look dead inside, it's probably because I've been up since 3am working REAL hard to get a paycheck that puts food on the table and a roof over my head.  But I digress...

These people are negative, they are mean, and they are not helping society at all.  But is this what Occupy LA stands for?  Is that the kind of experience they want to leave people with?  No.

Today, for the first time since the beginning of the movement, I had a genuine positive experience with an Occupy LA person.  He came up to me and asked if I was the manager.  I said no, but I would be willing to pass on a message.  He then explained to me how he was part of the Occupy LA movement, and he felt horrible for the things people have been stealing from us.  He wanted to apologize for the image others have left, and told us that if someone stole from us, he would be willing to testify against them to make sure they could keep the occupy movement honest.  And in that one gesture, I was back on their side.

Alyssa has been telling me for a few days now that negativity will only cause us to become bitter and resentful.  Either we have to forgive and walk away, or confront the situation and push through.  I have told her the last few weeks that it has been difficult, because it feels like I don't know how to do that.  Today, I was offered a way to forgive.  And today, I can do just that.

life...

Life is such a delicate thing, with a blink of the eye it disappears, it changes, it begins, it...

Since my last post (in April), a lot has happened...  My good friend & mentor passed away; relationships have been severed; and just tonight, I found out my uncle has an aneurysm that needs to be treated right away.  A lot of good has happened as well.  I got married!; My cousin got married!!! (in Maui!!!); My good friends got married!!! and so much more...

And yet, I continue to think that this roller coaster that we call life is so fragile.  On one hand, we find ourselves celebrating, having a great time, and the next day we find ourselves saddened by news that literally blindsides us.

I find myself asking the age old question that so many before me have asked... "what's it all mean?"  Is it for us to glorify God?  Is it for happiness?  To be stable and raise a happy family?

And yet, what keeps me up at night are a laundry list of other questions, "Am I doing the right thing for my family?", "Could I be a better husband/man?", "Is there a reason I find myself working at Starbucks, and not something... more?", and... "Why is it all so ... mediocre?"

Is God in my life?  Yes!  Do I find joy in what I do?  Yes!  Am I happy with my work, my family, my wife?  YES!

And those are the answers that I ultimately have to hold on to...  I don't have ALL the answers... and life... will always be the fragile roller coaster, it will have its ups... its downs... and its crashes...  But I honestly believe that God is still the one who holds it together...  God gives us peace and joy and contentment...  and God (as silly as this Sunday school statement sounds) is the answer.

There's a lot more to say here... about how death still scares me, about how I worry about the small decisions affecting my future family, about how I am still insecure, and about how sometimes (SOMETIMES) I don't feel adequate...

BUT... I have to remember that in my weakness, Christ is strong.  In the desert places, I will find strength.  AND, when I am most confused... I will seek the Lord.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 
   - 2 Corinthians 9-10