Reflections on life...

It's been awhile since I have updated my blog, and with good reason.  Life, as I had known it, has drastically changed.  And for the most part, I have yet to make sense of the paths that have been presented to me.  I have been faced with some difficult times, some amazing times, and now, I try to add up the sum of my experiences and find myself pondering what the next step is.

For those of you who know me, I think you will all agree that I attempt to look at the positives of my life.  And for the most part, that has served me well.  And when I look at those things, I have a great deal to talk about.  My engagement last year was (and will probably continue to be) one of the greatest memories of my life.  My deepening relationship with my fiancee has continued to encourage me and make me smile.  Friends, family, and loved ones have come along side with me, and I have known that people love me, not for what I do... but simply for who I am.

But, at the beginning of November last year, a sudden turn in my job had me questioning simple things: like where my place in the world, what was my life direction, and my worth as a person.  I will not go into it too deeply, but suffice to say that I felt wronged and my position at CSM was terminated.  I immediately began the painful process of looking for new employment.

For the last three years, I had bled, sweated, and lived CSM.  My friends knew that I would not be available most nights because I would be busy with a group or training hosts.  My fiancee would often find herself telling me that my interns would see more of me than she did.  And without notice or warning, that was taken away from me.

What do you do when (seemingly) your self worth is taken that quickly?

Well, for me it began the process of applying for jobs with everyone (and anyone).  I went in for multiple interviews only to be told that I was overqualified, under-qualified, too much experience, too little experience... 

Eventually at the beginning of this year, I was offered a job.  At Starbucks.  Not my first choice, but there it was.  I took the job.  Working as a Barista at a store in Little Tokyo.

If it sounds like I was disappointed, I guess I was.  I was hoping to get this amazing job supervising a group of people, fighting to end homelessness.  I was hoping that my new job would pay me all this money, so I didn't have to worry about bills anymore.  I was hoping to talk to people who were homeless and build community and relationship with them.  And here I was, learning to make coffee.

But then, something happened, and I realized some things.  And I began to learn about authenticity.  I talk to people every day now.  Some of those people know me by name, and smile at me when they see me at the bar (or at the register... or even wandering around the store).  I know most of their names, and their drinks.  I laugh with them about the news, joke with them about coffee, but most of all I find myself learning about their lives.  I know that Keith went to the Dodger game last Saturday, and (even though it was out of his way) he still came into our store to get his Americano.  I know that Rick just sold his sleeping bag for a heavy blanket, because it fits in his new $20 Walmart backpack better.  I know that Linda has to commute to work from Carson every day, but on most days stops by our store for lunch, and a different Starbucks on her way home.

And I realized that I AM impacting my community.  I have a real relationship with my customers.  And I am happy.  I'm learning what it means to love on people... one cup of coffee at a time.

There are things in our lives that we all want... and there are things that we need.  And I am learning more and more each day that maybe this job, where I am today is what I needed.  I am learning to spend more time reading, learning to cook new dishes, learning to enjoy myself.

My job... it's exhausting, it's exhilarating, it's rewarding but, it's still only my job.  My life... is so much more.  And I am learning what that means.