Spending time with some Monks

So, last Tuesday, I grabbed a duffle bag full of clothes, my bible, my journal, and a book about prayer and headed into the mountains.

I had been planning on spending some time up in the high desert for about a month.  I drove about an hour and a half out of the city to St Andrew's Abby.  I arrived shortly before 11am, worried about what I would do once I arrived.

I walked into the guest office, and told the monk behind the desk that I was here for my personal retreat.  He was exactly what I was expecting, and it threw me off for a second.  Wearing the monk robe was one thing, but he had a long white beard and thick glasses.  It was like right out of a olde book.  

I went to my room and found it adorable.  It had a large desk, two twin beds, and a sliding glass door on one side that opened to a view of the mountains.  I started to unpack and turned off my cell phones.

The first day I was there, I didn't try to do anything special other than walk around and explore the grounds.  I found a lake on site with lots of places to sit around it.  It was a warm day, so I spent a good amount of time in my room writing reflections and prayers in my journal at my desk.  When my hand hurt too much from writing, I would read some of "Too Busy Not to Pray" or my bible.  The quiet atmosphere allowed much of my soul to quiet down and relax a bit.  I also found that I needed to take a lot of naps.  For every hour of writing, exploring, or reading, I took about a 30 minute nap.  This might sound funny, but I think it was partially my body needing the rest and partially because praying that much takes a lot of energy.

The second day, I spent much of my time doing the same thing, but I also started going to their prayer services (they had 5 throughout the day), and never been exposed to the Catholic faith, I had never attended a service quite like that.  I was unused to the litergical way of approaching God, but I was facinated by some of the honor the monks had for God's presence.  I know many people say that it can become just "things we do" and we stop believing in the actions, but I was challenged to look at my own actions and ask myself why I didn't take God more seriously in how I approached Him.  And I began to try see my prayer times as much more a thing I needed to do intentionally instead of haphazardly.

At one point, I remember telling God that I really needed to talk to Him about some of issues in my life regarding relationships (or lack of).  I found myself pouring out much of what I had been feeling to Him and asking Him to just give me a clear answer as to what my future held in terms of a relationship.  It is difficult to form into words, but I know that God heard me as I talked to Him.  But, the greatest thing wasn't the topic, but realizing that I had the space to complain to God.  God was giving me space to yell, scream, and throw up my hands in frustration.  In the end, as I calmed down, I realized that through it all, God was with me.  He had been holding onto me the whole time, and was whispering "It's ok"

Did I get a clear answer?  To be honest, no.  But, I came out of there knowing a few things about how I approached my life.  First, I need to lean on God's plan more often (both in what is going to happen, but also in when is it supposed to happen).  Second, that as I get frustrated, God will give me space to tell Him how I feel.  Much like any good relationship, there are times when you need to hash out some issues, and God will give the space.  And lastly, God will give peace to those who come to Him.  I don't think I have stopped feeling the pain of rejection, but I also know that it is temporary and God will continue to be there through and through.  Peace isn't the lack of pain or conflict in our hearts, but it is the understanding that God stands faithful through it, and we can hold onto Him.

It took me a full 2 days to come to that conclusion, and probably will take the rest of my life to understand it fully.  

As I drove down from the mountain, I could not have felt more refreshed and renewed.  I had gone to the mountain fearing what it would mean to spend 48 hours in the presence of the Lord, and I came down realizing that I was looking at it wrong.  We are always with God, everywhere and anywhere.  We just took a vacation together to spend some time getting to know one another.  I learned what it meant to talk to God, honestly and reverently.  And more importantly, I learned how to sit and listen to Him talking to me.