To really live....

One of my favorite quotes is from Braveheart, William Wallace says, "Every man dies, not every man really lives."

Lately, a lot has been weighing on my mind.  Trying to figure out what my life is all about, and where is it going?  Seems like a great deal of my friends' families are growning, and I am standing around watching.  I guess it happens to a handful of us, we watch.  We wish.  We wait...

I decided about two month ago, I was tired of waiting, and I was going to do something about it.  I was sick of complaining that I never really had an opportunity to go out and date, but on the same coin, I never was really trying.  Why try when it's safe at home, right?  So I decided to put myself out there.  

Sometimes, when I am home, and nothing else is on TV, I watch that show, "What's my House Worth?"  It's really hard for the home owners, because they take something very personal, something they care very much about, and ask an expert to objectively tell them how much it's worth.  The expert tells them where they need work, and why it might be worth a lot or a very little.  Once and awhile, they have a house that's not really that great, and when the person tells the family, they cry, because it's worth so much more to them.

I feel like my heart is worth so much more than the response I have had.  I've put myself on the scales and I feel like I have come short.

"Hey, you're a great friend, and that's what I'm looking for."  

"I'm just really busy right now in my life."

"I just don't think of you that way."

.

.

.

"You aren't what I want."

"My expectations are not... you."

"I.... don't think so."

Ouch.  Ouch.   Ouch.

Feels like I'm dying here, can I really live?  How do I get back up when I feel like I've been torn up?