To really live....

One of my favorite quotes is from Braveheart, William Wallace says, "Every man dies, not every man really lives."

Lately, a lot has been weighing on my mind.  Trying to figure out what my life is all about, and where is it going?  Seems like a great deal of my friends' families are growning, and I am standing around watching.  I guess it happens to a handful of us, we watch.  We wish.  We wait...

I decided about two month ago, I was tired of waiting, and I was going to do something about it.  I was sick of complaining that I never really had an opportunity to go out and date, but on the same coin, I never was really trying.  Why try when it's safe at home, right?  So I decided to put myself out there.  

Sometimes, when I am home, and nothing else is on TV, I watch that show, "What's my House Worth?"  It's really hard for the home owners, because they take something very personal, something they care very much about, and ask an expert to objectively tell them how much it's worth.  The expert tells them where they need work, and why it might be worth a lot or a very little.  Once and awhile, they have a house that's not really that great, and when the person tells the family, they cry, because it's worth so much more to them.

I feel like my heart is worth so much more than the response I have had.  I've put myself on the scales and I feel like I have come short.

"Hey, you're a great friend, and that's what I'm looking for."  

"I'm just really busy right now in my life."

"I just don't think of you that way."

.

.

.

"You aren't what I want."

"My expectations are not... you."

"I.... don't think so."

Ouch.  Ouch.   Ouch.

Feels like I'm dying here, can I really live?  How do I get back up when I feel like I've been torn up?  

To be expected...

It was to be expected... we all saw it coming.  The last few months had become increasingly difficult as talks became more frequent and discussions about the future were more concrete.  Excitement began to build and everything began to "take shape"

I am talking, of course, about the birth of Abigail Jeanette Hamilton.  Yes, Rachel and Jeff had their baby.  Everyone is healthy, happy, and safe.  Congratulations again to the family!  I couldn't be happier for you.

A month or so back, another couple at CSM had their first. A baby girl by the name of Lucy Elena Fox.  And I have become really excited about the families that have really grown in CSM.  That's not including the couple of ladies expecting.  (Yes, apparently, it's the "in" thing to do now at CSM... no pressure on the rest of us who aren't even dating... hee hee)

With all the big political news that's been consuming America the last few weeks, I think it's wonderful to think of life not only in the political realm, but also the individual.  What does the future hold for me?  What does the future hold for you?  What does it hold for little Abby? For Lucy? The future is a tricky thing, you don't know what decision you make today will influence the paths and dreams of tomorrow.  Looking back at my life, I think much of what I am today is mostly influenced by the little tiny decisions, the ones I never even thought twice about.  

Of course the future is tricky.  Life itself was never ment to be a walk in the park.  It's about learning, and discovery, and ups, and downs, and and and... well everything.  I have made decisions based on the intellect of mind, love of heart, and the whims of my gut, but I think this upcoming year, I need to start to become more intentional in what I am doing.  Learn to make decisions based on what people around me need, based on what is best for my life in the end, and based on the bigger picture.

What have you done lately?  Ok, we voted, that's great.   The activism doesn't end here.  Getting involved doesn't stop with electing someone else to do it for you.  Change is great, if you are helping the change.  I really do believe we live in one of the greatest countries in the world.  I have deep pride in saying that I am an American.  But we have a long road ahead of us to change our worldwide perception, to become the people we claim to be, and to make this world a better place.

Because ultimately, it really is about making the world better isn't it?  It's not for me, or for you... it's for the Abigail Jeanette Hamilton's, it's for the Lucy Elena Fox's, it's for... well our future.