Well, it's 2009, and the time for reflection and self-analysis is here. And how do I percieve the past/present/future to be in my life? Complicated.
I guess it's easy to say that when I last posted, I was pretty frustrated with life, and to say that I still am not would be lying. I am frustrated. Mostly with relationships, with some of the decisions that I have made, and mostly with the fact that I cannot seem to make the right moves.
At the beginning of this year, I was invited to go up to our all church youth retreat. It was supposed to be this grand event, because we had never attempted to get all 7 of our churches together for such an ordeal. But truth be told, I was not at all interested. I wasn't excited, nor looking forward to it. I knew that I was leading a small group, but I was so distanced from the outcome, that I never even bothered to ask who I was leading. As the retreat came closer, I even realized that I never planned out how I was going to get there. The day before the retreat, I managed to plan out to ride up to the retreat on the bus. Basically, the laziest possible way for me to get up there.
As it turns out, God has bigger plans for us than we know. And He continues to do good things even when we are not interested in Him. I ended up leading a pretty large group of college guys, who upon first glance were just a rag-tag group of odds and ends. I didn't know half of them, and the half that I did know were known around my church as troublemakers. But like I said, God is pretty big. As the retreat progressed, I began to realize that I was supposed to be in charge of this group for good reason. They turned out to be much more open than I ever anticipated, and it melted much of the hardness of my heart. Not only was God teaching me more about my heart and this group, but He also started speaking into my frustration.
I think I have been mad at God for my predicament. Mad that I have not found the right person. No, I think that's wrong. I was mad at God for not giving me the right girl. Let's be blunt. That's where I was. Am? Maybe. I was upset because I really do feel like I would be a good boyfriend, and eventual husband. I belive I will be a good father, and I believe that in my hearts of hearts I desire for a family more than anything. But then why am I still sitting here alone?
Yes, I think it's safe to say, I had (have?) my issues.
Then, the last night, I remember sitting there, upset, trying to deal with God in my terms. By my rules. By my standards. And something happened. As I sat there, I heard kids running. I looked up to see that our speaker's three sons were running to him. He had finished his speaking and came to the back of the room to worship. His sons saw that he was free, and ran to him. Now, all weekend, he had been sharing with us about his life, and how he had made some pretty bad decisions. And immediately, as I looked up, I got this very distinct impression. God was saying, "look, this man before you messed up worse than you, and I still gave him a family that he can love deeply. why do you doubt that I cannot do the same for you?" And my heart broke. I felt every part of me crash down. At the time, the worship team was singing "Restoration" If you haven't heard it, here's a
link *Lyrics at the bottom of my post
Immediately, I felt my heart tug at me, and I stood up. Shortly after I stood, the worship team switched to another song, "I'll Stand" (
link)
*Lyrics also at the bottom And when the Chorus came up, I realized that this is an area that I had never let God truly take over. And God was asking me to surrender it all.
Now, I don't really know where I am. I've been wrestling with it for days. I don't think this is something that you surrender at a retreat once and it goes away forever. If God told me today that I was to follow Him by myself for the rest of my life, would I be ok with that? Would I be ok knowing that I could be single? It's a hard question for me to even ask myself. It's even harder for me to think about the answer. The simple and honest answer would be, "I don't think I'd be ok with it, but I'm willing to wrestle with it."
That chorus haunts me though. "So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned." Do I stand? "I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered; All I am is Yours" Wow, powerful stuff, if you take it seriously.
Questions questions.... struggles struggles...
Sorry if this post didn't seem to have much of a point. Such has been my thought process lately.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Restoration Lyrics:
Verse 1:
You've takin my pain and called me by a new name.
You've takin my shame and it's place you give me joy.
Chorus:
You take my morning and turn it into dancing.
You take my weeping and turn it into laughing.
You take my morning and turn it into dancing.
You take my sadness and turn it into joy.
Verse 2:
You bring restoration, you bring restoration
You bring restoration, to my soul.
Bridge:
Hallelujah hallelujah, you make all things new,all things new
Hallelujah hallelujah, you make all things new.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I'll Stand Lyrics:
You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke all life into motion
My soul now to stand
You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand
So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory
