Same old tune...

I know I've said this before, and I'll say it again...

Relationships are hard.  I really don't know what to make of them.  This time, I really have something else to say....

So, I've been trying to make time in my schedule to get out there and "get to know" girls.  but it seems that I am always way awkward or just falling over myself to have a good time.  The other day, I went out with a girl for lunch, and had a blast.  I really enjoyed it and felt like we had such a good time talking.  But today, I called her to just touch base, and really didn't feel the same way.  Was she blowing me off?  Should I back off for a bit?  If I do, what happens then?

ARGH...  why are relationships so hard?  That's all I really wanted to say...  Thanks for listening to me rant and rave.

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Leisure on Vacation?

This past weekend, CSM went on a retreat.  We had groups all the way until Saturday morning, and had another group coming in on Sunday, so we decided to go somewhere close.  Early Saturday morning, we rushed the groups out of our housing site, and piled into the cars and drove to Palm Springs.  When we got there, we split up, some of us going to the movies, and some of us to the water park.  Relaxing all afternoon was followed by a dinner we all shared.  Then we walked down the street to get some ice cream.  It was close to 8pm, and it was still over 100 degrees.  But despite the weather, we were still having a great time talking and just enjoying each other's company. 

This morning, before we left, Vales put together this great devotional for us to reflect on God, and how we make space for Him.  I started reading the material, and only was able to make it to the first page, when I was struck with so much depth, journaling was the only way to get my mind around it.  Here is that particular entry:

Have you ever heard someone say, "I need a vacation from my vacation"?  It's odd to me that life gets so busy, that even when we plan to relax we are more stressed than when we work. 

Finding leisure, is crazy.  If you don't believe me, try this little experiment.  Go to Disneyland one day, find a nice shady place to sit, where a lot of people are walking around.  And WATCH.  I don't mean for five or ten minutes, I mean sit and really watch the crowd.  Watch for half an hour; watch for an hour; shoot! watch the whole day! 

Watch people trying to relax.  Watch them plan their rest into such a frenzy that it stresses everyone out.  Watch as a crazed mom drags her exhausted children from ride to ride.  Watch as a dad is so worked up about the money being spent he's losing his mind.  Watch as a kid throws a tantrum because he can't just rest.  But aren't they resting?  Isn't this their vacation?  Aren't they supposed to be having fun?!?

Maybe leisure isn't exactly how the world defines it.  Maybe it's finding time for silence in the midst of noise, maybe it's quiet conversations in the midst of turmoil, maybe it's creating time, space, and energy in the midst of the busiest week.

I think we need to re-define how we find rest.  How does one find it?  Where does it come from?  In Psalm 121 it reads, "I life my eyes to the hills.  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth."

How awesome is that statement?  How amazing is it that the Lord God almighty; the maker of mountains, oceans, green valleys of grass, and vast expanses of ice; can help me?  That He WANTS to help me.

And God can give us peace.  He can give me Rest.  And He can give me what I NEED.

Heidelberg Catechism says:
I trust him so much that I do not doubt
    he will provide
       whatever I need
       for body and soul,
    and he will turn to my good
       whatever adversity he sends me
       in this sad world.

He is able to do this because he is almighty God,
he desires to do it because he is a faithful Father.

Help me Lord find peace, find solitude, find patience, find... YOU.

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Series of Unfortunate Events....

Over the last few weeks, I have had a series of amazingly bad things happen all at once.

Some of you heard, some of you haven't, but I totalled my car about a month ago.  I was driving through an intersection when the SUV in front of me stopped, and I didn't have enough room between me and him. So, I hit him.  I saw it happening, so I managed to slam on the brakes, but... still hit.  Because his car was so much higher than mine, it's bumper managed to go right over mine and hit my hood instead.  Thus crushing my radiator and doing significant frame damage.  Nobody was hurt (thank God), and I got most things worked out with my insurance company.  I was given a rental truck, they decided to buy my car at a ... fair price, and I sighed and moved on.  On Wednesday, my parents were gracious enough to loan me their car, so I would not have to continue to rent the truck, and pay outrageous prices on gas.

A few weeks ago, my tooth started hurting.  I tried to ignore it, because... well, to be honest, the dentist scares me.  It did get better, then it took a turn for the worse.  I was waking up at night, and I couldn't fall back to sleep because my mouth hurt so much.  So, on Wednesday, I called into my dentist, and scheduled an appointment for Thursday.  Thursday 9:30 in the morning.  So, I get up on Thursday, drive myself down, and got ready for the worst.  After a few hours (of paperwork, x-rays, and waiting) I finally got checked up.  To which, my dentist tells me, "Your teeth are in bad shape."  This I could deduce from the pain.  What's the damage doc?  Well, apparently, I need to re-do all my fillings, get a root canal, and put crowns on 2 of my teeth.  CRAZY!!  So, after much thought, I decide to just do it, starting with the root canal.  They start in on my teeth...  6 hours later, I walk out of the dentist's chair with a sore mouth, new fillings on one side of my mouth, and an appointment for Friday.  I go back Friday morning to get the other half of my mouth worked on, and prep for the crowns...  I walk out 4 hours later; tired, dizzy, and exhausted.  Who knew sitting in a chair for that long could wear you out so much.  In the past week, I've spent a little over 14 hours in a dentist chair.  Am I done?  No.  I'm going back on Monday to finish off the root canal.  Then in about 2 weeks, I get to go back again to finish off the crowns.  *sigh*

So Friday, I get out of the dentist's office, and decide to try to get into work to finish off some things I haven't gotten to...  Being dazed and confused, I must have forgotten to lock the passenger door to my car.  So, after about 4 hours at work, I walked out to my car to grab a bag of clothes, and realize that someone had opened my door and stolen the bag.  Luckily, my parents had just given me their car, and there wasn't anything in it.  I was pretty upset, but I got over it quickly, because I said to myself, "at least nothing is broken, and it was just clothes that was stolen" 

Last night, as I'm talking to a few people at Dare & Tiff's wedding, I get a call from my roommate.  Apparently, the rental truck (which I was going to return on Monday), was broken into next to my apartment while I was out.  This time, they didn't just open the door.  They smashed the window, and grabbed my GPS that was sitting on the dash.  (Note: not the rental's GPS, mine).  I was really messed up at this point.  I was exhausted, weary, and just plain at my wit's end.  I spent the next 40 minutes on the phone waiting to talk to a police officer, and about an hour later, they showed up on the scene to write up a police report.  I stood outside, while they told me that it was likely that the "perp" would get away, and do it again to someone else.  It really made me sad.  I wasn't all that attached to the GPS, but the invasion of personal property really upset me. 

When I finished, I walked back to my room and just sat there.  I think I just need this particular couple of days to end.  I want a whole week where I don't get kicked in the gut.  Is that too much to ask?  It's like a bad movie.  And I ask myself...  why?

Today, in my devotions, the Psalm I was reading was 121.  Verse 7 reads, "The LORD will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life;"  I really want this to be true.  I really do.

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Hello Mother, Hello Father.

YAY!!!  My folks are home!  Actually, they've been home since Monday, but I didn't actually get to see them until last night.  We all got together and went out to eat some sushi.  (double yay!)

It's funny how a relationship with parents can change over time.  I think in the past couple of years, I've learned to communicate with them differently.  I joke with my pops more these days, and have deep discussions about God and the future with my mom.  I'd have to say that out of all the things I've done to hurt them through the years (intentionally or not) I'm still amazed that they love me as much as they do.  Sometimes, this love comes out of their unnecessary worry for me or their desire for greatness in my life...  But, even though it sometimes is a little unbelievable, I find deep comfort in that love.

They were out of town for both Mother's day and Father's day, which is great, because I really didn't have to think about it too much, but having them home is so cool that last night felt like a big Mother's/Father's day dinner.

I think that's all I really had to say about that.  I know, I'm kinda sappy, but it's what I was thinking and so... there it is.  my 2 cents for this entry.

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No Rest for the Weary?

"28Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:28-29

I've been learning a lot recently about weariness recently. Partially because I'm learning what it means to be training at CSM in the summer; partially because I'm starting a new work-out regiment. But I'm learning what it means to try to find rest.

And recently, when I begin to think of rest, I am reminded about a message I heard Dan speak a few months ago. He was explaining that when we wrestle with God sometimes it is ok to just relax and rest in His arms and let Him hold us.

There's something sweet about that image. Something comforting. Something... relaxing.

I think a lot of times we wrestle with God, and that's a good thing. We grapple with Him about our futures, about our present, sometimes about our past. We hold on tight for the things we ask Him about. We grip his arms and hands demanding peace and rest and energy.

Or... we can relax

Let His hands hold us up in the moment of His grace.
Let His arms embrace us and shelter us from fear.
Let His voice calm us into peace and rest.

I saw something the other night, as I was at the Hamilton's house for game 3. Janie fell down as she was running across the living room. She didn't hit anything, but I think it scared her more than anything else. And she started to cry. I've seen this a ... few times... and every time it's very similar, either Jeff or Rachel picks her up and starts to speak soothing words to her. Usually, (though sometimes not always) she calms down, and all is right with the world again. Sometimes, she's really worked up and it's hard for her to calm down as quickly, but Jeff or Rachel keep talking to her. Calm, relaxing words of comfort.

Can I begin to relax in God's arms today? Can I listen to His still, quiet voice of reason? Can I just let His hands keep me safe? Can I calm down from the day-in and day-outs of life and allow God to just speak to me? What does quiet sound like? What does comfort feel like?

Where... is my rest?

Sunburned...

Today, I didn't really know what I was doing until I woke up (which is a nice change of pace).  We just finished training, and our groups aren't coming in until tomorrow evening.  So, the hosts called me up and told me they were gonna hang out at the beach this afternoon.  Hang out at the beach and work on my tan?  Why not?  Sounds like fun.

I ran some quick errands, and headed out to the beach to meet up with them (they decided to get out there around 11, I caught up with them around 1).

We did some quick swimming, then we mostly lay there and talked about stuff.  It was a pretty chill afternoon.  Around 5pm, some of the hosts decided to start heading back and since it was getting late, so did I.  Apparently, one of our hosts is... not as dark as some of us from So. Cal. so she got pretty badly burned.  It was actually pretty heartbreaking to see.  This is her first REAL bad sunburn and she was actually so bad that she was dizzy and could barely move around.

At one point I stood there debating if we should drive her to the hospital and wait in the ER for like 7 hours for the doctors to tell me that there was nothing they could do and she needed water, sleep, and painkillers.  (And sometimes they recommend aloe).  At least in the ER I'm getting someone's professional opinion about what little we could do.  I felt helpless.  Sunburn is one of those things that make you feel alone.  It hurts so bad that talking to others is difficult.  You can't move, so you feel helpless.  And worst of all, nobody can touch you, so you can't get comforted.

As I stood there watching her wrestle with her new found pain, I couldn't help but to think of the couple of times I had been through that.  (yes today I'm slightly sunburned, but not NEARLY that bad).  I wanted to tell her that everything would be ok.  Her body would heal itself.  The pain, though almost too much to think through, would eventually fade.  And before long, the whole memory would be a story she told others to ward them away from the California sun.

But watching her eyes, and her pain, I couldn't say it.  I felt like I couldn't ignore the pain she was going though, because it was real. genuine.  consuming.

And I thought to myself.  Is this how God feels sometimes when we struggle with our lives?  Does He watch us go through our pain and want to tell us:  "Everything is going to be ok."  "With time, your body will heal itself."  "The pain you feel, though almost to think through, will eventually fade." and "Before long, this whole memory will become part of the story of your life."

He's seen more than we can, He knows so much more, and He wants to be there for us... but maybe He allows us to experience pain because it is real and genuine.  And with that timing He allows us to heal.  He sits with us as we cry.  He's quiet as we try to lay down for rest.  He nurtures us when we need something.  And He smiles at us when we look at His face.

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I think it's been a crazy few weeks, but I think my life is finally getting back into rhythm again.  We just finished training last night, and had a dinner at my apartment to celebrate the completion of two weeks of straight work.  Vales made an awesome lasagna, I made some bread, and some pasta to go with.  Afterwards, the girls made some apple crisp, which we added ice cream to it.  YUM!

Also, my car has been totalled...  Yeah, I was driving and I hit a SUV... his bumper didn't even touch mine, and it hit my hood instead.  So there's enough frame damage and transmission damage that I have to sell it to my insurance and buy a "new" car.  I say that because I really do have to get a used car (I think) unless I want another 5 years of payments.  I was excited cause just this last February I finished paying off my LAST car... *SIGH* oh well...  It's all in God's hand anyways.  I'm just happy nobody got hurt.  =)

I've been learning even more about the city, which is still a surprise.  I think I'm now to the point where I realize that I will learn new things everyday.  We are a week from when the first group will show up, and I am STILL juggling some trips around.  That's right folks, I just worked out some kinks in the schedule with 2 more of our ministry sites yesterday.  I don't think this job will ever get boring.

So today, I am back to scheduling.  Working out trips that no longer make sense, finding people to go to places that need them.  Some quick prayer requests as I finish off this (rather pointless) post.

• My Grandma goes into surgery today, please pray that she will successfully have pressure released from her spine so she will not be in constant pain.
• This summer is a good experience to me, as I step further into responsibility.
• My church will find favor upon my application for financial support.
• That I find a car quickly and without too much stress
  

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